DadQuest #1: Birthday Preppers

My wife and I are having a kid.

We’re having all the universal emotions associated with that. “How can we have kids if we’re still kids?” or “holy shit how is there so much baby gear to buy?” or “I hope he looks like you” (this one is mostly said by me, for good reason).

I feel pretty prepared to have a kid.

Ok, are you done laughing? I know what I just said is ridiculous. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But I do want to prepare myself as much as I can, and I’ve really been thinking about the extent to which people actually can prepare for having kids. Obviously, none of these could ever prepare you for the real thing (I know this from listening to literally every parent I’ve ever met), but I have some life circumstances that seem like they might help a little.

I’m an uncle to 4 nephews, there are something like 20 kids spread out among my closest friends, and I had fantastic parents of my own, not to mention my wife’s parents who are great parents and experienced grandparents. My wife’s friend group has a bunch of kids as well, not to mention multiple nurses with NICU experience). I have about 8 sets of parents that I could ask for advice, no matter how personal (or medical - some are even nurses and doctors), that live within 15 minute of me. That’s a lot of direct sources I can go to for parenting knowledge.

I feel insanely fortunate to have this network, but I know it’s nowhere near enough to actually know what I’m doing on day 1. And what if I didn’t have that network? What if, like my own parents, I’d moved to a new city for work and started having kids without a support network? That must have been scary as shit. And it’s not uncommon.

A small part of me thinks that maybe the fact that you can’t prepare for kids is the point. Parents, so I hear, have to deal with lots of unpredictable situations on a daily basis. Maybe that’s the real skill you have to develop - agility plus inventiveness. But that still doesn’t feel right. Even if the average parent is 1% prepared to have a kid, what if there was a way to get them to 2% ready? That seems like a huge win. We don’t have to shoot for 100%.

Looking at the successful parents around me, I think new parent can benefit from all of the following:

• Support networks (near and far)

• Expert advice

• Peers to learn with

Hey, would you look at that! Those are exactly the things I’m going to write about in DadQuest. I’m going to share what I learn from my own fantastic support network, share expert advice I come across (always cross-checked with my more experienced friends, don’t worry), and I’m going to be a new parent peer for people to learn with.

That’s the main thing to remember; I’m a peer, not an expert. I’m not going to give firsthand advice on anything I don’t know. Actually, don’t take any of this as advice. Take it as inspiration, food for thought, whatever. I’m hoping that as we grow, the real value of DadQuest will be the network (aka the comments section) where those in the know can share their real ideas.

The Levels of the DadQuest

Parents should get achievement badges for making it through the different phases of the clownshow that is parenthood. I watch my friends and family with kids and just marvel at how well they seem to be handling things. My criteria for ‘handling kids well’ is basically that they’re still breathing and able to hold a sane conversation with me; so far that’s everybody.

For the sake of entertainment, the following is my proposal for the levels of parenthood. For fun I’ve also written down some thoughts about what each level entails - remember that I’m still at Level 0 so all comments beyond that are to be ridiculed to the maximum extent possible.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, I’m reading Dungeon Crawler Carl right now and this leveling and achievement system is a reflection of that. No apologies (and also go read DCC, it’s amazing)

But in reality, this was driven by me thinking about how much I actually know about the different phase of parenthood based on my secondhand observations. TLDR; not a lot.

Level 0: The Prenatal Pretender

This is me and my wife. A few months until D-day, trying as hard as we can to prepare and figure out what we need to know and freaking out about what we don’t know. Pretending as if we can prepare ourselves for what’s to come. Nothing wrong with trying to prepare, obviously, but it’s important not to get too confident during this level. Yes, you’ve got this, and you’re gonna figure it out, but also it’s probably healthy if you have a freakout here and there. That just shows you understand the magnitude of what you’re about to do, and that’s probably a good thing.

Level 1: The Newborn Noob

What I’m trying to prepare myself for. Opening Day after a long preseason, where any team could still be a winner, everybody’s 0-0, everybody has a chance. Fully aware that my game plan is going to pretty much be in tatters by the end of the first week, and that’s OK.

Level 2: The Toddler Tryhard

You’ve kept the little blob alive long enough for it to form teeth and opinions. Now it’s turning both of them against you. The only thing I know about this level is what I’ve see from my friends and nephews - I am very afraid and also I can’t wait.

Level 3: The Big Kid Bozo

None of my friends or relatives have gotten here yet. Holding my breath. My perception of this age (which I’m defining, for no real reason, as kids from like 8 to 11), is that it’s prime time for sports and hobbies and other interests to take hold. That’s because for me, this age is when I tried basically every sport, instrument, or other hobby imaginable. I didn’t like them all at the time, but now my ADHD brain picks up those hobbies sooo much faster, and my interest in them is held longer, which I attribute to my parents introducing me to so many things at this age. Will be researching more about this, but it feels like a pretty good lesson.

Level 4: The Preteen Clownshow

Same here. How to be a parent for phase of a kid’s life is just not something my brain knows. I probably haven’t spoken to a teenage or pre-teenage human being since I was coaching baseball about 10 years ago. Who the hell knows how they might have evolved since that time.

Level 5: The Teenage Troubadour

This part of parenthood scares the ever-living shit out of me. A kid with reasoning skills AND they’re too big to just pick up and put in a corner when they’re being bad? (that’s a joke, I assume putting kids in a corner all the time not proper parenting)

Level 6: The Adult Anarchist

I guess I kind of have seen parents navigating this part of parenthood - namely, my parents, my wife’s parents, and pretty much every one of my friends’ parents. It’s not really something I’ve thought about before, but every parent is figuring out how to do the next phase, even parents with adult kids. My wife’s mom is going to a class about how to parent your kids when they have kids, which I think is pretty darn cool. I hope I keep learning about parenting like that, even when my own kids are in their 30’s and beyond. That’s my takeaway

Level 7: Grandkids? Fuck yeah

I’m about as close to this phase of life as the Browns are to being taken seriously as an NFL franchise, but I am watching my own parents enter this phase, not to mention my inlaws who are about as awesome as grandparents can possibly be. It seems to me that all parents are constantly learning how to be a parent - my own parents are learning how to be parents to a son who’s about to be a parent.

A little more about Dave

Dave finds it weird to write in third-person, but Dave also hates editing. Screw it, the title stays.

I’m sure I’ll share more as this blog gets more touchy-feely or whatever is supposed to happen as I evolve as a dad, but this should be enough info to start. I’m Dave, an engineer by day, writer by night. My job involves working on robots and AI. My hobbies are absolutely freaking endless - ADHD, man, it’s wild.

Other fun facts about me to help paint the picture:

• Born on Halloween (irrelevant but cool)

• Former D1 and pro baseball player (pitcher)

• From the Southeast USA

• Too many hobbies (my initials are basically ADHD)

• I am very large for a human

• My mom thinks I look old with a beard so I don’t have a beard

Most importantly, to me: I love to discuss stuff, and I’m very hard to offend. That’s literally the point of this blog. I know that all my thoughts and ideas and expectations of being a parent are mostly bullshit. And I know that even once I kind of get the hang of raising a 1 year old (if I ever do) then I’ll be learning it all over again when I have a 2 year old.

So when I say things that sound like advice, here’s what you should do, depending. A) call me out on my bullshit. Tell me that I’m Delusional As Hell (DAH, my initials). That’s the feedback I need. or B) Tell me I’m a genius and I should be the face of dads everywhere. I’ll gladly accept any and all comments like this. or C) share a story of your own, a question, anything that only a parent can answer (please do this)

Because here’s the secret: if this site is ever going to be useful to anyone, it’s these discussions that will bring the real value. A community of open, welcoming, honest parents sharing waht they know, what they’ve heard, what they’re afraid of… that’s the dream. And it might be totally impossible on the internet of 2026 but dammit let’s try anyway.

Cheers,

Dave (Level 0 - Prenatal Pretender)